How to Die Young

Living a short life is a particularly difficult mission to take on. It takes an immense amount of effort, as well as strong will power. An individual who actually accomplishes this feat is one who is unquestionably intelligent. One might ask themselves why this task is so treacherous, however the answer is relatively simple. You see, a person’s body works as most living organisms do; it tries to rid itself of harmful substances that it comes into contact with, therefore killing it can be quite troublesome. Fortunately, with a positive effort and hopefully a weak immune system, one can find themselves on an immediate path to health problems in no time at all! On a more positive note, you’ll be glad to know that obesity is the second leading cause of preventable death in the U.S, which means that your journey to poor health is more attainable than you may think!
The first step in this tedious process is to make your body less able to carry out its normal functions. In order to accomplish this, one must be knowledgeable in the field of junk food. For instance, a master would know that replacing a side serving of vegetables with a hearty portion of French fries is the best way to go. At times it may be hard to choose those greasy fries over those scrumptious vegetables, but if you keep your eye on the prize you’ll find that over time these obstacles will become easy.
According to the Endocrine Society, your path to an early death has been and is being successfully traveled by many. In fact, an estimated 65.2 percent of U.S. adults, age 20 years and older, and 15 percent of children and adolescents are overweight, meaning that 30.5 percent of children (not including teens) are obese. So basically, if a child can manage, so can you! Just think of all the food options you can open up to… McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy’s, KFC…the list goes on and on!
Your body’s natural instinct to move around and exercise is one piece of this puzzle that many seem to find simple to overcome. In order to fully break the habit it is vital that you do the following:

1.) Do not move, tap, or wiggle your feet when sitting or lying down. This will decrease the chance of burning any calories whatsoever.
2.) Do not walk if it’s not absolutely necessary. If there is an escalator..use it!
3.) Refrain from ANY sports… they are most detrimental in this process.
4.) If you must walk, run, or anything of the sort, be sure to do it slowly and inefficiently so that you slim the chance of using any energy.

The main objective in this step is to avoid movement and exercise as if it was the plague. Acceptable activities include playing video games, watching television (for no less that three hours), and playing on the computer. By restricting yourself to only doing activities such as these, you will quickly begin to see your hard work pay off (especially in the buttocks area).
Destroying your liver and brain cells are key points in living a short life. Many find that alcoholism and drug abuse (yes..ciggarettes are a drug) are extremely effective here. In fact, since drinking increases the risk of developing alcoholism, alcoholic liver disease and some forms of Cancer, you should think of this step as a bonus round! Not only are you able to exterminate your body in general, but by participating in this step you can actually give yourself a myriad of other diseases and cancers as well! What could possibly be more effective than that?
Lastly, and most importnatly, it is vital that you make sure that you’re not only harming the inside of your body, but the surface as well! A good way to go about doing this is to completely remove every cleaning article (soap, laundry detergent, shampoo, tooth paste, etc) from your home. This will enhance the filth you live in creating a bacterial oasis. These nasty bacteri will crawl all over your skin and into every orifice of your body. With luck, you may be able to catch a skin infection or possibly even a common cold! To even further this step, one should avoid showers, brushing teeth and especially shaving, since these techniques will only push you farther back in the process.
Inevitably, if all previously stated steps are followed to a tee, the product of your hard work and determination will be a short life. It is also good to remember that filth and poor heigine are key elemnts in this process. If we are all to succeed it is eminent that we ignore the advice of health professionals, as well as the constant advertisements for medications and organic foods… they will only become obstacles. Just be sure to consume as much junk as humanly possible, move only when absolutely neccesary, and concentrate on killing off your vital organs. It is with these steps that we can all promise ourselves an unhealthy, unhappy life.